“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself” -Leo Tolstoy
Breaking the momentum of past habits is the challenge here. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. In order for me to change my behavior I have to change my thoughts. In order for me to change my thoughts, I have to be completely honest with myself and admit that I needed to look at my character flaws. I had to look at all aspects of my life, not just the ones I’m not afraid of changing, but the ones I’m most afraid of changing. The ones that I don’t even think are flaws. The ones that I am in such denial about that when someone points it out, I am in full military rage ready to nuke your head right off your body. Those are the ones.
For me, the first thing I had to do to begin to build a relationship with God was to accept the fact that the God of my understanding actually cared about me every moment of every single day of my life. I had to let go of the story that God was an old man with a white beard and robe with a staff floating in the sky and judging my every mistake, punishing me with threats of rivers of fire and gnashing of teeth, and not getting into heaven but being damned to hell.
Then I had to ask him straight out, “I need your help.” And mean it with trust and acceptance that he is real and not just willing to, but wanting to help me. It was a powerful moment. And I did just what I said, I got on my knees and simply said, “God I need you; I can’t go on living the way I am. I need your help. Please help me.” This wasn’t my typical foxhole prayer, do this for me and I’ll do this for you. No bartering this time. Just pure earnest ‘I need you.’
God answered me instantly. That night I had a dream about my fear of not being good enough. This one fear ruled my life one hundred percent. All my decisions where based on that fear alone. In the dream a gentleman helped me start the process of letting it go. When I left the house, outside waiting for me was Jesus. He hugged me and said he was proud of the work I did and said that we together where on our way.
“If the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity”
~The book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Fear of not getting what you want is the third and final fear of the three king fears that rule every decision we as humans make. I talked about how “fear of rejection” is a humans number one fear, while “fear of not being good enough” will cripple us to never really enjoy life to the fullest potential that it has to offer, and today I will talk speak about “fear of not getting what you want” that selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, I’m in control, fear.
This fear is all about self. It is the best concealed fear of them all. It is so good at hiding itself from you, that you actually feel justified and when in the middle of it. You relish in your self-righteousness. To recognize fear of not getting what you want you have to be completely honest with yourself. Nothing less will help you see clearly on conquering fear of not getting what you want.
“Just being ourselves is one of the biggest fears of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” ~ Miguel Angel Ruiz
Fear of not being good enough is the second of the three king fears. Last time I talked about the fear of rejection. This time I will talk about not being good enough. As with all these blogs I write, they require you to be very vigilant and truthful to yourself. Are you really open enough to hear the message or are you letting “FEAR” decide ‘This doesn’t apply to me?’ And not being open to see the possibility that you are not in control. It is really, pride, ego, self-centeredness, selfish, self-seeking, fear itself, that keeps you from being open, honest and willing to look at yourself.
“There are lots of things a warrior can do at a certain time which he couldn’t do years before. Those things themselves did not change; what changed was his idea of himself. ~ Carlos Castaneda
Fear of rejection is a human beings biggest fear on the planet. It is one of the three king fears that I talk about. Many of us go to great lengths to make sure people accept us. Fear of rejection comes in many forms.
We lie, cheat, steal, love, worship, idolize, anyone and everything just to get their approval. Some of us could be in a room of one hundred people and it doesn’t matter that ninety-nine love us, if there is just one person who doesn’t like us, we obsess on that one person, wondering why they don’t like us, what we can do to make them like us.
“If you want real control, Drop the illusion of control”
“The only thing you will ever have in this world is this moment, and the one thing you will never have is control. Control is nothing but fear. Let go of the idea that you are in control Steven. You control absolutely nothing. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will find personal freedom.”
That was one of the first things my teacher Jack taught me. I balked, rebelled, and fought him tooth and nail on that point till I was blue in the face. We went rounds for at least a month till I was ready, willing, to listen.
He said it was quite simple, that I controlled nothing. That fear is what feeds control and in just the thought of me not being in control, feared jumped up with all its might defending that ‘yes I am in control.’ And then he went on to teach me the meaning of what he said.
“Wisdom cannotbe imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
If I remain open and receptive when I open a book, listen to a teacher, or sit and meditate, I will have gained knowledge. If I stay openminded, pay attention to everything going on around me, and listen, I will have gained knowledge. If I go to school, do studies, and have new experiences, I will have gained knowledge. If I seek to expand and enhance my walk-through different teachings and modalities, I will have gained knowledge. Once I have done all that, I will have gained knowledge.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. — Lewis B. Smedes
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -– Mahatma Gandhi
The starting point is the self. Only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now. A correct relationship to yourself is primary, for from it flow all possible correct relationships with others and the Divine. In order for me to have a correct relationship with myself, I first have to forgive myself.
Forgiveness of myself is the key that will open all other doors that will lead me out of selfish, self-seeking, self-loathing, egotistical thoughts driven by a hundred forms of fear with the three kings fears of rejection, not being good enough, and not getting what I want leading the way.
As with anything that I do, knowledge is not enough, I have to incorporate it into my core and this requires me to do it over and over and over again. And this holds true with forgiveness as well. Practice is what is needed,