“If the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity”
~The book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Fear of not getting what you want is the third and final fear of the three king fears that rule every decision we as humans make. I talked about how “fear of rejection” is a humans number one fear, while “fear of not being good enough” will cripple us to never really enjoy life to the fullest potential that it has to offer, and today I will talk speak about “fear of not getting what you want” that selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, I’m in control, fear.
This fear is all about self. It is the best concealed fear of them all. It is so good at hiding itself from you, that you actually feel justified and when in the middle of it. You relish in your self-righteousness. To recognize fear of not getting what you want you have to be completely honest with yourself. Nothing less will help you see clearly on conquering fear of not getting what you want.
“Just being ourselves is one of the biggest fears of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” ~ Miguel Angel Ruiz
Fear of not being good enough is the second of the three king fears. Last time I talked about the fear of rejection. This time I will talk about not being good enough. As with all these blogs I write, they require you to be very vigilant and truthful to yourself. Are you really open enough to hear the message or are you letting “FEAR” decide ‘This doesn’t apply to me?’ And not being open to see the possibility that you are not in control. It is really, pride, ego, self-centeredness, selfish, self-seeking, fear itself, that keeps you from being open, honest and willing to look at yourself.
“There are lots of things a warrior can do at a certain time which he couldn’t do years before. Those things themselves did not change; what changed was his idea of himself. ~ Carlos Castaneda
Fear of rejection is a human beings biggest fear on the planet. It is one of the three king fears that I talk about. Many of us go to great lengths to make sure people accept us. Fear of rejection comes in many forms.
We lie, cheat, steal, love, worship, idolize, anyone and everything just to get their approval. Some of us could be in a room of one hundred people and it doesn’t matter that ninety-nine love us, if there is just one person who doesn’t like us, we obsess on that one person, wondering why they don’t like us, what we can do to make them like us.
“If you want real control, Drop the illusion of control”
“The only thing you will ever have in this world is this moment, and the one thing you will never have is control. Control is nothing but fear. Let go of the idea that you are in control Steven. You control absolutely nothing. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will find personal freedom.”
That was one of the first things my teacher Jack taught me. I balked, rebelled, and fought him tooth and nail on that point till I was blue in the face. We went rounds for at least a month till I was ready, willing, to listen.
He said it was quite simple, that I controlled nothing. That fear is what feeds control and in just the thought of me not being in control, feared jumped up with all its might defending that ‘yes I am in control.’ And then he went on to teach me the meaning of what he said.
“Wisdom cannotbe imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
If I remain open and receptive when I open a book, listen to a teacher, or sit and meditate, I will have gained knowledge. If I stay openminded, pay attention to everything going on around me, and listen, I will have gained knowledge. If I go to school, do studies, and have new experiences, I will have gained knowledge. If I seek to expand and enhance my walk-through different teachings and modalities, I will have gained knowledge. Once I have done all that, I will have gained knowledge.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. — Lewis B. Smedes
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -– Mahatma Gandhi
The starting point is the self. Only clarity, willingness to change, is effective now. A correct relationship to yourself is primary, for from it flow all possible correct relationships with others and the Divine. In order for me to have a correct relationship with myself, I first have to forgive myself.
Forgiveness of myself is the key that will open all other doors that will lead me out of selfish, self-seeking, self-loathing, egotistical thoughts driven by a hundred forms of fear with the three kings fears of rejection, not being good enough, and not getting what I want leading the way.
As with anything that I do, knowledge is not enough, I have to incorporate it into my core and this requires me to do it over and over and over again. And this holds true with forgiveness as well. Practice is what is needed,
“For I am the lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:13
I’d like to tell you a story;
In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. God then created man and woman. God then decided to give them the most precious gift he could think of, Free Will. Man will choose for himself and not be dictated to by God on how he is to live his life.
God is good, God is all powerful, everything he does is good. There is no wrong in all God creates. God presents the world to man and woman telling how everything in it is for them and their benefit. To sustain, nurture, protect and shelter them. Man and woman knew all was good and that there was no wrong, they were happy.
God showed man and woman the tree of knowledge. God warned them not to eat from this tree as he knew it would unlock the door.
Since man and woman were given free will, woman decided to exercise her free will and ate from the tree of knowledge. In so doing, new wonders and thoughts were opened up to her. She told man about these wonders and thoughts and he too ate from the tree. Once they received knowledge, man and woman became aware. Aware of their nakedness, aware of thoughts, aware of all the things around them.
“Real surrender comes when one starts to know the greatness of God.” – Haidakhan Babaji
As one starts to become aware of the greatness of God in all aspects of life, then they will be better able to trust and surrender to that god.
Just to be clear, you call your higher power by whatever name suits your personal relationship with him, her, or it. There is no prequalifying or defending when it comes to your beliefs. This is not a religious forum but sectarian. For the sake of ease, I will be referring to ‘Higher Power’ as God and he/him.
When my teacher Jack, back in 2001, told me I had to start to ‘Trust and Surrender’ my first thought is ‘I’m not surrendering to anyone.’ To me the term surrender meant to lose, give up, be a failure, basically not be good enough.
So, Jack started the arduous task of educating me on just what trust and surrender really means. The very first thing he said was “To trust and surrender takes an enormous amount of courage and wisdom, something you lack at this moment. The second thing is you have to let go of the thought that you are in control. The one thing you will never have in this world is control, and the only thing you will ever have is this moment.” That would become a mantra until I incorporated it into my core and it became one with me.