“If the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity”
~The book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Fear of not getting what you want is the third and final fear of the three king fears that rule every decision we as humans make. I talked about how “fear of rejection” is a humans number one fear, while “fear of not being good enough” will cripple us to never really enjoy life to the fullest potential that it has to offer, and today I will talk speak about “fear of not getting what you want” that selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, I’m in control, fear.
This fear is all about self. It is the best concealed fear of them all. It is so good at hiding itself from you, that you actually feel justified and when in the middle of it. You relish in your self-righteousness. To recognize fear of not getting what you want you have to be completely honest with yourself. Nothing less will help you see clearly on conquering fear of not getting what you want.
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple idea, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, they are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way.” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous
You need to start to pay attention to everything that crosses your path each day, all day long. Notice when you don’t get what you want. Start to recognize it and how it controls your emotions, feelings with anger, hate, resentment. We are not supposed to live in this way. This will take practice and the willingness to look at yourself honestly for those character defects we don’t want to see about ourselves. You must take away “They were in the wrong so I have every right to fell this way” What we are doing is for us, not them. Right, wrong or otherwise, be honest with yourself and see your reaction to their actions. Is it fear based of not getting what you want? If it invokes a negative connotation, then it is fear. Don’t let fear tell you otherwise. This is where fear is at its most powerful, keeping you blind to the truth, keeping you in denial, by soothing you with lies, “you are right, be angry, be mad, go after what you want cause you deserve it after all, they were the ones in the wrong, you deserve it.”
Fear of not getting what we want comes in many different guises. It may come as simply as a child throwing a temper tantrum in a store because they didn’t get that toy they wanted. It may hide behind ‘we are right’ when a car stops as soon as the light changes yellow and we think ‘if they went, I could have made it to,’ and we spout a barrage of obscenities at the person as we also flip them the finger, because in our mind they are in the wrong so they deserve our anger. It will pop up when someone doesn’t act according to our ideas of what is right and wrong, how we would act in the same situation, or how one should conduct themselves, by thinking, “they shouldn’t feel that way.” Who are you to determine how another should feel? Even if it is a loved one, best friend, or boss. We find ourselves berating them to others, gossip if you will, which is the worst form of black magic there is. Our word has immense power as we hook others attention. Another form may come as all the feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, rage, sadness, sorrow, that pop-up when we discover that our significant other is cheating on us. We didn’t get what we wanted, and simply put, it was our significant others love in return, they gave it to someone else.
Remember, any negative emotion, anger, resentment, rage, jealousy, outrage, sadness, rejection, hate, and all the others can be traced to one of the three king fears.
So, pay attention, notice every time you feel a negative emotion and try to attach it to a fear, or usually, all three. Which one is more apparent in your life? Is it not being good enough? Maybe not getting what you want is the one. How about fear of rejection? As you start to pay attention, you will be amazed at how fear really plays such a big role in your everyday life.
Another form of the domestication process I talk about, fear of not getting what you want is a taught behavior. Back to competition over compassion, who is stronger, who is the best? Or do you loathe the person who has more than you? Do you feel that you are entitled to?
This is where selfish, self-centered, self-seeking comes in. Are we not self-will run riot? We must be rid of selfishness or we will never be free! To those still living by fears standards, it is a worthy trait to have, go get what you want, and the heck with everyone else. To the people who continually do their best to recognize, and let go of ‘Not getting what they want,” it is easy to spot in others who are stuck in fear.
I cannot express enough, the effort, dedication, and daily work that is required if you are to conquer this fear. Do not let the ‘I’m in control’ intercede here. That fear of ‘I’m in control’ keeps you locked in all fears. The one thing you will never have is control.
Another guise it hides behind is mocking others for what you consider their character defects. Do you not have your own? Are we all not human created equally yet different at the same time?
The root of not getting what you want is the feeling that you are not in control of your life in some way. You never were, and once you realize that, accept it into your core, then you can start to let go of the fear of not getting what you want.
In every day affairs it is easy to see that we battle ‘not getting what we want.’ The job we coveted doesn’t come through, we blame someone else. Maybe somebody else came along who was better fitted for the job in the business’s eyes. The second date that never came to fruition is not our fault, they don’t know what their missing. It is not up to us to judge what another is looking for, and maybe, just maybe the spark wasn’t there for them. The green light we just barely missed, especially if we are running late, sends us into a tizzy. Maybe it’s time to just slow down, breath and leave better prepared next time. The busy restaurant, or not busy restaurant we are eating at, has slow service drives us to not leaving a tip at all to complaining to the manager. We don’t know if someone or a few someone’s called in or not. Maybe we are being taught patients. And the other hundreds of forms that ‘not getting what you want’ takes shape in your life at this moment. How many sport fanatics out there get angry when their team doesn’t win? It has absolutely nothing to do with you, yet you take it so personally it has gone as far as destroying relationships, causing severe drunkenness that you miss work, and actual fist fights with someone you don’t even know. All because you didn’t get what you wanted.
“Don’t assume anything.” The third agreement in the book “The four agreements,” by Don Miguel Ruiz is very powerful. Assuming leads us straight into the fear of not getting what you want. The minute you make an assumption, that is the beginning of a resentment. When we assume and it doesn’t work out in your favor, you didn’t get what you wanted and now have a resentment. I highly encourage everyone to read “The Four Agreements”
Another form of not getting what you want comes in the form of judgement. By judging others fulfills that very well-hidden fear. The minute you judge another person for any reason, you are fulfilling the desire to put yourself above them, getting what you want that you are better than them, which is the competition we live by and not compassion. The old Indian saying comes to mind, “Do not judge another until you have walked one full moon cycle in their moccasins.” As fear of judging is very strong, it will take a lot of self-honesty to just see it and a whole bunch more to break free from it.
As you go through your day see how often you get, frustrated, angry, irritated, annoyed, put-off, at any given moment for any little thing, no matter how big or small. It may last only 5 seconds as some one walks in front of you at the grocery store, but recognize it. It is fear of not getting what you want. Hiding in plan sight without you even aware of its existence. Subtle, discreet, sly, and stealthy is this fear, never wanting to let you go.
Trust and surrender, that is what is required to defeat this fear. Let go, let God. First ask your higher power for help. God wants nothing more than to build a relationship with you. Trust that he has a plan and knows what’s best.
I can funnel my will all day long to get what I want, but in the end, I cannot be attached to the outcome. When I do get what I want, I say “Thank you God.” When I don’t get what I want I say, “Thank you God for knowing what is best for me,” trusting in the process that what I will receive is ten times better than what I originally wanted to begin with. It is also in gods time, not yours, because remember, you are not in control.
Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. I must accept each and every person for being exactly how they are. Not knock them for what I consider flaws, but except them for their uniqueness, and different way of being. When I am not in fear and see the traits they have that I don’t, I am able to appreciate them more.
Here is a simple prayer that intercepts the resentment that is about to form when you don’t get what I want.
“God, I pray for health, happiness, and prosperity for ___________ that they will receive everything that I’d want for myself.”
I never pray that they would get what they want because what they want might not be good for me or others. What I want is peace, love and compassion through love, truth and simplicity.
Praying for others is one of the most powerful tools to have. It releases you from anger, judgement, resentment, jealousy, and most of all fear. Faith is stronger than fear. As I’ve said in past blogs, “Fear knocked at my door, Faith answered it, nobody was there.” Faith and fear cannot live in the same place at the same time. There is not enough darkness in the universe to snuff out even one candle flame.
I pay attention today to everything that crosses my path. When fear of not getting what I want, I simply pray on it, release it, trust and surrender to my higher power, and remember, I’m not in control.
I’ve said it throughout this blog, honesty, honesty, honesty. Without it you will remain forever in the fear of not getting what you want, living in denial and continuing the domestication process that has been instilled into each and every one of you, living in all that negative energy of anger, resentment, jealousy, and of course fear. It will continue to control you, never letting you see who you truly are. “A divine magnificent spirit of love and light.”
Remember, you were born “A divine magnificent spirit of love and light,” as we all were, and still are. Let go of the fears that tell you otherwise, Pride, ego, self-centeredness and live in the sunshine of all mother Earth has to offer.
All this work may seem daunting, but once you make the decision to ask for help and trust and surrender to the God of your understanding, with honesty, the work becomes very simple as you start to release that which no longer serves you. Fear.
I Remember the lessons from a teacher I had a long time ago. I would call him up and say, “Rob, So-and-So blah, blah, blah.” and his response was always, “Steve, do you have a roof over your head?” “Yes Rob.” “Do you have food in your belly?” “Yes Rob.” “And do you have a way to support yourself?” “I do Rob.” and he would finish with, “Then you have everything you need if this life, the rest are just luxury problems. How my I be of service to you today?” And then we would talk. But that always put everything into perspective for me. I was honest with myself and paid attention.
As a Peaceful warrior I am releasing the lines of domestication and forming a greater bond, more powerful relationship, to the one who has all power, which I choose to call God today. As my conscious contact with him grows, so does my freedom from fear and domestication.
“I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need, and I want everything I have.”
Be good to yourself because you are worth it.