“There are lots of things a warrior can do at a certain time which he couldn’t do years before. Those things themselves did not change; what changed was his idea of himself. ~ Carlos Castaneda
Fear of rejection is a human beings biggest fear on the planet. It is one of the three king fears that I talk about. Many of us go to great lengths to make sure people accept us. Fear of rejection comes in many forms.
We lie, cheat, steal, love, worship, idolize, anyone and everything just to get their approval. Some of us could be in a room of one hundred people and it doesn’t matter that ninety-nine love us, if there is just one person who doesn’t like us, we obsess on that one person, wondering why they don’t like us, what we can do to make them like us.
Growing up we learn really quick at a very young age what we need to do to fit in with the family unit we belong to. We do whatever is asked of us by parents and older siblings to belong, or we rebel and fight our way through life pushing to get what we want, another of the three king fears, not getting what you want. We are domesticated into the fear-based reality of civilization. The modus operandi of our entire existence.
Some experience innocent acts by those who love us who don’t know any better that can set the tone of rejection. We might be dropped off at a relative’s house at a very young age as parents and older siblings go away for a few days. It was easier for the parents then to deal with the fuss that it would create by saying something up front. But to a three, four, or five-year-old, the people we love more than anything, our protectors, care givers, best friends, just up and abandoned us. But why? What did we do wrong to make this family unit not want to be around us anymore? The seed is planted and fear takes control. Our whole lives are set in motion with fear of rejection being at the forefront from that moment on. Unconsciously we are hooked. The process of domestication of civilization at work, unbeknownst by those around us because it was done to them the same exact way.
Entering school and being forced to be around your peers of the same exact age is unnatural and brings up all kinds of fears of rejection. Nowhere in society are we ever just with peers of the same age group except in school which consumes our entire childhood and learning how to belong. Thirteen years of our first Eighteen years on this planet are that way for most. We are taught that the only way to get ahead is through competition, being better than. When in actuality it is compassion that should be taught at home, school, everywhere really. For it is through compassion that we connect to one another on a deeper level and can be better equipped to not let fear control our lives.
From kindergarten on we compete in sports, scholastics, after school activities such as cheerleading, chess club, debate club, and the list goes on. This style of upbringing sets in motion all kinds of fears of rejection at every turn. People are bullied, picked on, and demoralized day after day, or there doing the bullying and picking on out of fear of being rejected themselves. The teasing of each failure we experience is another blow to our self-esteem, the feeling of rejection is reassured again and again.
Then we reach adolescence when we take notice of love interests. Are we pretty enough, handsome enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough so that this person will go out with us? The fear of rejection asking someone out on a date can be crippling for our self-esteem.
Then there is collage, the testing, the getting in. The appeasing of our parents that we are good enough. There are boyfriends and girlfriends, do they love us, are they cheating on us, do they want to marry us? Some of us take physical abuse and sexual abuse just because we are afraid to be rejected.
Those are ways from outside fear of rejection affect us. What about when a loved one passes away, or a best friend writes us off for what-ever reason, our significant other cheats on us and eventually leaves us. Do we not feel abandoned, rejected?
As you can see there are many ways we fall into the ‘fear of rejection’ category as I have only named a few. Not everyone of the things I mentioned is going to fit every person, only you know what you went through, are going through, and what planted the seeds of rejection within you. It is time to face the ‘fear of rejection’and come to learn this statement;
“I am more than good enough for myself and everyone else”
It all begins with you; not what others think of you. How do you see yourself? Are you able to look in the mirror and say straight to your face “I love you more than anything on the planet” without it feeling awkward, funny, uncomfortable, or as if it was a flat out lie that you are telling yourself? Try this and be honest with yourself. This is just one little thing to see where you are with self-love.
If you look at yourself thinking “I wish I were skinnier, taller, shorter, smarter, had more hair, less freckles, no wrinkles. Then these are some other things that feed rejection. When someone points any one of them out, even in a side comment of “She is too fat to be wearing that bathing suit” talking about someone else, do you feel the pain of that statement as If it was being said about you. Self-rejection is the worst and most powerful of all rejections.
It is time to Reassure yourself of a couple positive affirmations;
“I am more than good enough for myself and everyone else”
“Now that I know that I am good enough, I am open to receive miracles”
“It is ok to surpass ___________ (fill in the blank with any appropriate person in your life) without losing LOVE!”
As with everything I write, this takes practice and effort. You can say these as you feel self-conscious about yourself, or just repeat them throughout the day. This is just a small part of letting go.
Remember who you are. What you were born as. What we all are born as. “A divine magnificent spirit of love and light” We are a gift and have been domesticated by the fears of civilization. Go back to that innocent child, who still is in you, and let him back out.
Trust and Surrender to your higher power. Build a relationship with him/her/it and have faith. Faith that God is always walking with you, guiding you, loving you, protecting you. Come to believe that he is personally involved in your life today. Ask him to remove these fears that you hold onto, recognize them when they pop up and turn them over to God. Counter each fear with a positive every single time it comes up. This process takes time, dedication and a lot of work. Until you actually build this relationship, one can only see god as an outside deity who is the ultimate scape goat for all your problems today. “If God only made me smarter, prettier, faster, everything would be ok. It is Gods fault.” This way of thinking has to be broken. Are you strong enough today to break the cycle of fear?
When you can look upon life with the knowledge that you are not alone, you can face the fear of rejection with a smile and scoff at it. You have a knowing, an intimate relationship with your high power and there is no wrong. God is good, all is good, God is all powerful. Walk hand and hand with God today and each and every day. Believe in yourself because you are worth it.
As you let go of fear of rejection, and start to trust and surrender, you will not look at lose of a job, friend, significant other or even a loved one as a world ending, debilitating event. You will feel Gods love, knowing you are ok, that nothing happens by mistake. You will look on life with a smile trusting a better job is coming, believing the friendship ran its coarse and new ones that will be better suited for you are on the horizon, that your significant other wasn’t the one for you and thank god that they are gone so you can be with the right person. And as far as losing a loved one to the other side, you will see that death is inevitable, even premature deaths that are untimely. And you will find comfort in trusting God, knowing it’s ok to not know the reason why, but accept that God does and you trust him Today, thank him for the time you had, and you will be grateful for all they brought into your life.
Rejection is hard. This is not an easy task to just let it go, but it is worth the time and effort it requires just to be able to live in peace, love and serenity, without fear. We want to be liked, but today I realize not everyone is going to like me. That is ok with me because in actuality, even though I love everyone with all my being, I do not like everyone either. The saying “If they don’t like me it’s their lose” could never be more wrong. It is not their lose at all. It is their gain to realize this and not waste their energy on you, just as you do the same to the ones you don’t like. To say that is just another form of self-importance, which is ruled by fear, ego, pride.
Remember, you are a divine magnificent spirit of love and light who doesn’t need to be petty, self-important, selfish, or self-seeking. Believe in yourself. Be impeccable with your word, not only to others but more importantly, to yourself. Love yourself, tell yourself that. Treat yourself with honor, dignity, and respect. And above all else, trust and surrender to your higher power and let him/her/it into your life to be in a personal relationship with. If no one told you today, God loves you and so do I.