“Just being ourselves is one of the biggest fears of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” ~ Miguel Angel Ruiz
Fear of not being good enough is the second of the three king fears. Last time I talked about the fear of rejection. This time I will talk about not being good enough. As with all these blogs I write, they require you to be very vigilant and truthful to yourself. Are you really open enough to hear the message or are you letting “FEAR” decide ‘This doesn’t apply to me?’ And not being open to see the possibility that you are not in control. It is really, pride, ego, self-centeredness, selfish, self-seeking, fear itself, that keeps you from being open, honest and willing to look at yourself.
This fear too, starts to be imprinted into us almost immediately. The instant we start to crawl, then walk, we little divine magnificent spirits of love and light are being told at some point or another, ‘NO.’ whether it is for our own sake, like wanting to touch the pretty candle, to our elders who don’t want to chase after us. We do not understand the difference and as we grow, we start associating ‘NO’ with I’m not good enough to do, get, be ________. (Fill in the blank) The love and light that we are born with starts to fade and the judge starts to take control. Just like the fear of being rejected, this one starts in saying, ‘You’re not good enough to do that. If you were good enough, you would be allowed to do that.’
This is not our fault. It all started, as I have stated in my blog about FEAR! We have been domesticated like our parents and their parents, and so on, and so forth. It is time to break the pattern. We are in competition from day one. First with our siblings for parents’ attention and were we fit in with our family unit, then peers at day care, and eventually school. Everything about schooling today is focused on who is the strongest, who is the best. Are you a winner or loser? Competition is being taught at every turn, who is good enough,while compassion goes by the way side. How often is a child bullied only to have everyone else laugh at them, teasing them, reinforcing in them that they aren’t good enough. Rarely do you see a child being picked on and have everyone else come to their aid with compassion, sympathy, and love. For the simple fact that fear says ‘You too will be picked on, rejected, not good enough.’
Then there are personal failures. Getting a C, D or F on a test, no matter how much we study, not being able to make the football, or baseball team. As we grow and go through school and reach high school, it takes on even higher demands of ourselves. What clique, or group of friends do we belong to. Are we jocks, being made fun of for being mindless Neanderthals, or revealed as Gods? Are we geeks, Brainiac’s, or Mensa types, who look down on everyone not as smart as us, or laughed at for having no social life? Are we gearheads, or cheerleaders? Are we nerds, or Freaks? At the ripe old age of fifteen, many, many of us turn to drugs and alcohol just to fit in. And it works, for a while.
Then there comes the time where we think, I’m not pretty enough or handsome enough to date so-and-so. Will I be turned down if I ask him or her out? Fear of rejection and not being good enough go hand in hand here, and in almost all instances.
By the time we leave High School we have been thoroughly domesticated by fear. Am I smart enough, fast enough, pretty enough, strong enough, handsome enough, skinny enough, good enough? Am I just plan enough? And because of the domestication pattern the answer is always, No, on some level. Fear will hide that from you. Ego, pride, self-centeredness, and many of us will never recognize it at all. We think we are in control. We are not. The only thing you have is this moment and the one thing you will never have is control.
Now we go to college, get an education, a spouse, a job, a family, and sleep walk our way through life, never really experiencing all the endless joys at our disposal. Money and acceptance become our primary rulers in life. These become our Gods, if you will, because you will do anything to achieve them both. Do we have enough money and are we being accepted by, well, pretty much everyone? Spouse, boss, friends, children, co-workers, parents, even our enemies.
Fear of not being good enough is the most common, yet the least recognized because of the fear of facing that fear. That’s why I said in the beginning, you must be truthful and vigilant with yourself, open and be willing to look at yourself, then do the work.
This form of domestication is powerful and crippling, but can be overcome with effort and willingness.
I listed a few ways of ‘not being good enough’ can infiltrate one’s mind set. There are millions of different ways for this human condition to take hold and you will have to have a lot of courage to look deep within yourself to see what domestication pattern took hold of you. Once recognized, then the healing can begin to take place. This is a long process that takes time and effort on your part. Just because you recognize it doesn’t mean you are cured of it. Practice at it, daily. You have to actually tell yourself that in one-way, shape, or form, practice, practice, practice.
Like fear of rejection, this takes trusting and surrendering to your higher power, positive affirmations, writing and diligent work on your part.
In the words of Babaji
“Don’t imitate, be strong, be upright.”
“Think with your own head, be yourself.”
“All perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you… reveal them to the World.”
These are just a few quotes to incorporate into your core being, your soul, and practice every day to counter all the ‘I’m not good enough’ we say to ourselves throughout the day.
First, become conscious of every time you say a negative affirmation to yourself. IE, I could have done better, why did I do that, what was I thinking, I’m such a dumbass, I’m a loser, I’m worthless, I’ll never be good enough for him/her. Even when we say ‘I’m such an idiot’ to other people in a joking way, that subconsciously reinforces ‘I am not good enough. I’m an idiot.’ To ourselves. It is the domestication that we repeat this process without even thinking twice about what we are saying to ourselves. So, start to pay attention to everything you say. You will be amazed at how many times a day you tell yourself in one way, shape, or form, ‘I’m not good enough.’ Other days not so often maybe, but those are far and few between. Pay attention to every time you compare yourself to someone else, especially when you compare your inside to their outside. Then start to counter every time you say something negative with a positive. This is just the beginning, to break a pattern you have been doing takes time, dedication and repetition.
Turn to your higher power, your God. Ask him/her/its help with complete abandon, and trust and surrender to the process. You are worth it and deserve to be happy, joyous and free from the bondage of self. Meditate on it. Confront and stand up to your ego self, taking back your own personal power. Let go of thinking you’re in control, you’re not. Find what works for you and take on this life changing process. Write a list of all the negative things you think about yourself, then on the opposite page counter each one with a positive. Repeat this process everyday for a week adding new ones as they pop-up. Like I said, this takes work and dedication, but believe me it’s worth it, your worth it.
You’ll be amazed at every turn the more and more you sincerely do the work, put in the effort the more you realize you are more than good enough for yourself and everyone else. You stop criticizing yourself, you believe in yourself. You smile a lot more than before and appreciate life in a whole new way.
The fear of not being good enough keeps us in the shadows our whole lives, if we let it, afraid to be our true authentic selves. That is not how we were intended to spend our time on Mother Earth. So, I implore you, stand up for yourself against this predator. Take your life back. Again, if your fear is telling you this doesn’t apply to you, that you got this, then by all means, continue on your way. But mark my word, there is nothing compared to the feeling I have now that I know I am more than good enough, that all I do is smile, smile, smile, be happy, not take anything personally, walk in a relationship with my understanding of God. A personal intimate relationship for me and me alone, trusting and surrendering that everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be. I radiate today that people notice and tell me often, “You just glow all the time. I love being around you, you have such good and positive energy. I feel better and calmer just by being in your presence.” This isn’t coming from a place of ego, or pride, but a recognition of the work I have done, that each and every one of us is capable of doing, to change how we perceive ourselves and each other.
Whether it is self-imposed or the domestication process of the world, conquering this one fear will free you to much more easily be able to look at and face all other fears, especially of rejection and fear of not getting what I want. Be strong, be willing, be honest and enjoy life to the fullest because you are worth it.