“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself” -Leo Tolstoy
Breaking the momentum of past habits is the challenge here. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. In order for me to change my behavior I have to change my thoughts. In order for me to change my thoughts, I have to be completely honest with myself and admit that I needed to look at my character flaws. I had to look at all aspects of my life, not just the ones I’m not afraid of changing, but the ones I’m most afraid of changing. The ones that I don’t even think are flaws. The ones that I am in such denial about that when someone points it out, I am in full military rage ready to nuke your head right off your body. Those are the ones.
For me, the first thing I had to do to begin to build a relationship with God was to accept the fact that the God of my understanding actually cared about me every moment of every single day of my life. I had to let go of the story that God was an old man with a white beard and robe with a staff floating in the sky and judging my every mistake, punishing me with threats of rivers of fire and gnashing of teeth, and not getting into heaven but being damned to hell.
Then I had to ask him straight out, “I need your help.” And mean it with trust and acceptance that he is real and not just willing to, but wanting to help me. It was a powerful moment. And I did just what I said, I got on my knees and simply said, “God I need you; I can’t go on living the way I am. I need your help. Please help me.” This wasn’t my typical foxhole prayer, do this for me and I’ll do this for you. No bartering this time. Just pure earnest ‘I need you.’
God answered me instantly. That night I had a dream about my fear of not being good enough. This one fear ruled my life one hundred percent. All my decisions where based on that fear alone. In the dream a gentleman helped me start the process of letting it go. When I left the house, outside waiting for me was Jesus. He hugged me and said he was proud of the work I did and said that we together where on our way.
“Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
Knowledge is knowing, Wisdom is doing. If I remain open and receptive when I open a book, listen to a teacher, or sit and meditate, I will have gained knowledge. If I stay open minded, pay attention to everything going on around me, and listen, I will have gained knowledge. If I go to school, do studies, and have new experiences, I will have gained knowledge. If I seek to expand and enhance my walk-through different teachings and modalities, I will have gained knowledge. Once I have done all that, I will have gained knowledge.
“If the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity”
~The book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Fear of not getting what you want is the third and final fear of the three king fears that rule every decision we as humans make. I talked about how “fear of rejection” is a humans number one fear, while “fear of not being good enough” will cripple us to never really enjoy life to the fullest potential that it has to offer, and today I will talk speak about “fear of not getting what you want” that selfish, self-seeking, self-centered, I’m in control, fear.
This fear is all about self. It is the best concealed fear of them all. It is so good at hiding itself from you, that you actually feel justified and when in the middle of it. You relish in your self-righteousness. To recognize fear of not getting what you want you have to be completely honest with yourself. Nothing less will help you see clearly on conquering fear of not getting what you want.
“Just being ourselves is one of the biggest fears of humans. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” ~ Miguel Angel Ruiz
Fear of not being good enough is the second of the three king fears. Last time I talked about the fear of rejection. This time I will talk about not being good enough. As with all these blogs I write, they require you to be very vigilant and truthful to yourself. Are you really open enough to hear the message or are you letting “FEAR” decide ‘This doesn’t apply to me?’ And not being open to see the possibility that you are not in control. It is really, pride, ego, self-centeredness, selfish, self-seeking, fear itself, that keeps you from being open, honest and willing to look at yourself.
“If you want real control, Drop the illusion of control”
“The only thing you will ever have in this world is this moment, and the one thing you will never have is control. Control is nothing but fear. Let go of the idea that you are in control Steven. You control absolutely nothing. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will find personal freedom.”
That was one of the first things my teacher Jack taught me. I balked, rebelled, and fought him tooth and nail on that point till I was blue in the face. We went rounds for at least a month till I was ready, willing, to listen.
He said it was quite simple, that I controlled nothing. That fear is what feeds control and in just the thought of me not being in control, feared jumped up with all its might defending that ‘yes I am in control.’ And then he went on to teach me the meaning of what he said.
“Wisdom cannotbe imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else … Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
If I remain open and receptive when I open a book, listen to a teacher, or sit and meditate, I will have gained knowledge. If I stay openminded, pay attention to everything going on around me, and listen, I will have gained knowledge. If I go to school, do studies, and have new experiences, I will have gained knowledge. If I seek to expand and enhance my walk-through different teachings and modalities, I will have gained knowledge. Once I have done all that, I will have gained knowledge.
“For I am the lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.” – Isaiah 41:13
I’d like to tell you a story;
In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. God then created man and woman. God then decided to give them the most precious gift he could think of, Free Will. Man will choose for himself and not be dictated to by God on how he is to live his life.
God is good, God is all powerful, everything he does is good. There is no wrong in all God creates. God presents the world to man and woman telling how everything in it is for them and their benefit. To sustain, nurture, protect and shelter them. Man and woman knew all was good and that there was no wrong, they were happy.
God showed man and woman the tree of knowledge. God warned them not to eat from this tree as he knew it would unlock the door.
Since man and woman were given free will, woman decided to exercise her free will and ate from the tree of knowledge. In so doing, new wonders and thoughts were opened up to her. She told man about these wonders and thoughts and he too ate from the tree. Once they received knowledge, man and woman became aware. Aware of their nakedness, aware of thoughts, aware of all the things around them.
“Real surrender comes when one starts to know the greatness of God.” – Haidakhan Babaji
As one starts to become aware of the greatness of God in all aspects of life, then they will be better able to trust and surrender to that god.
Just to be clear, you call your higher power by whatever name suits your personal relationship with him, her, or it. There is no prequalifying or defending when it comes to your beliefs. This is not a religious forum but sectarian. For the sake of ease, I will be referring to ‘Higher Power’ as God and he/him.
When my teacher Jack, back in 2001, told me I had to start to ‘Trust and Surrender’ my first thought is ‘I’m not surrendering to anyone.’ To me the term surrender meant to lose, give up, be a failure, basically not be good enough.
So, Jack started the arduous task of educating me on just what trust and surrender really means. The very first thing he said was “To trust and surrender takes an enormous amount of courage and wisdom, something you lack at this moment. The second thing is you have to let go of the thought that you are in control. The one thing you will never have in this world is control, and the only thing you will ever have is this moment.” That would become a mantra until I incorporated it into my core and it became one with me.