“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself”                                                                                       -Leo Tolstoy

Breaking the momentum of past habits is the challenge here. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. In order for me to change my behavior I have to change my thoughts. In order for me to change my thoughts, I have to be completely honest with myself and admit that I needed to look at my character flaws. I had to look at all aspects of my life, not just the ones I’m not afraid of changing, but the ones I’m most afraid of changing. The ones that I don’t even think are flaws. The ones that I am in such denial about that when someone points it out, I am in full military rage ready to nuke your head right off your body. Those are the ones.

I have to ask myself; I am I afraid of not being in control? Which I never had any way but didn’t realize that then. Am I afraid of being rejected by my family, friends, peers if I change people places and things in my life?

          There are many catchy catch phrases such as; Be the change you want to see. If you want to change you have to be uncomfortable. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

          Once again, am I willing to put in the work required of me to be the change I want to see. It takes honesty, dedication, hard work, willingness and facing all my fears. Am I afraid of being rejected? Do I not feel good enough for myself or others? And the very sly one, am I not getting what I want. Not getting what I want is the hardest for most people because they feel they earned whatever it is they are seeking, but to what end. How many people did we run over, hurt, humiliate, degrade, or be little on the way to our selfish desires, even going so far as justifying to ourselves that ‘they deserved it’ without even thinking twice?

          Some of us are incapable with being honest with ourselves as the power of thinking I’m in control is too great to resist. People feel self-righteous in the path they carved out for themselves and now will defend it with every ounce of energy they possess. Denial sets its roots in deeply.

“There are men and woman who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, there are such unfortunates, they are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner which demands rigorous honesty”   ~Alcoholics Anonymous

          Unfortunately, they will remain forever locked in fear. Only you can decide if you are one of these people. Being told by others is not enough unless you are truly willing to look at yourselves, and that in-and-of-itself is the difficulty we face with fear. It doesn’t want us to look at ourselves and think for ourselves. This is the domestication pattern passed down for millennia’s, this is what is engraved into our core conditioning, no escaping it, only become willing to change the way we think and let it go on a daily basis.  

          You don’t need someone to point it out either. It can just occur to you that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of getting mad at the long lines in the store, the slow car in front of you, the boss that belittles you, the spouse that is never happy when you fail to do a simple choir. What is that anger stemming from, Fear. All negative emotions stem from Fear. What is the Fear? Not getting what I want leads this category followed by not being good enough and fear of rejection.

          “Those who speak of progression but are afraid to change are self-repressed and therefore unable to reach any further than their eyes can already see.”   ~Criss Jami

 We are also too afraid to face what we might find. Believe me, I know. This battle raged on in me for decades before I became willing… That was the start, to just become willing to want to change. I opened my eyes for the first time, I woke up from the dream, and saw my fears for what they really are. How they controlled every life decision I made, and I didn’t like it. Ego piped right up. “If it weren’t for me you wouldn’t be where you are today.” And I saw, I didn’t like where I was today either. A very successful Executive Chef, on top of my game. I saw through the denial and I wanted to change. I had to change my thoughts, to change my actions, so I didn’t do the same thing over again because I finally recognized that that cycle wasn’t working.

The first thing I did was ask my higher power for help. Trusting and surrendering my will over to him. I paid attention to everything, the car that was going 5 miles under the speed limit in front of me. Did I get angry like every other time or did I pray for that person remembering the universe has the first move and just maybe it wanted me to slow down. I listened every time someone pointed out a character defect be it on purpose or in passing. I looked at myself no matter how much my ego screamed “I am right, they are wrong, don’t they know who I am.” I took a good hard honest look and paid attention when I did it again, and again, thinking to myself ‘they are right, I am being one hundred percent selfish. It’s all about me and started to let it go, give it to my higher power, Trust and Surrender. I had to stand up to ego when it said “they’re the selfish ones, not me.” This isn’t about them anymore. It is all about my desire to change me, not change, or blame, them.

The more I looked at myself, the more I saw how fear, selfish, self-seeking, self-centered I was. My ego was a monster when the whole time I thought I was very considerate to others, which was true until I didn’t get what I wanted, and ego would dictate who would receive my wrath and who wouldn’t. But also, who to bough down to because I thought I wasn’t worthy of them, and finally who to avoid because I felt they rejected me. It might not be all three fears for you, but if you’re willing to look you will see one to start with.

Now I had true understanding of how the three king fears were working in my life. It might be different for you but are you willing to look that deep so you too are able to let go of fear and find your own personal freedom, serenity and acceptance of others just the way they are without judgement. Oh, how we love to judge others to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

Remember, all this self-awareness does not make you a bad person, just a person stuck in the domestication process of man like every human on planet earth is. It is time to wake up from the dream and find out who you really are.

A divine magnificent spirit of love and light

Nothing more, nothing less. It is an ah’ha moment in life to see past your own ego and let it go. It takes a lot of courage to surrender to this concept. As it says in the big book of alcoholics anonymous, “There are men and woman who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, they are not at fault” Fear and the conditioning of man has had millennia’s to hone itself to domesticate us humans to its will, and it is easier to stay asleep and live the dream.

This is my experience of waking up and finding a much happier way to live always being happy, joyous and free in all my affairs. Be happy, live well and believe in who you are.